i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
