Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
