Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
