how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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