Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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