I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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