Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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