Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
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