I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize