I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
