I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
