wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
