If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
