Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
