U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
