he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
