just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
