I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my sisters under your porch take her home
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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