they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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