Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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