Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
