i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
