I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
