Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
