maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sext me about skeletons
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
