Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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