he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
