Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have already put on my inside pants.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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