I will die if light touches me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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