I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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