He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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