Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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