remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
