I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
