Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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