I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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