allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
