i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
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You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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