my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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