i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
