have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
