I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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