And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
