looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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