my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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