I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
