You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
