youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
