A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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