Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
