the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he high fived his dick after we had sex
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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