i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
3 2 1 whiskey
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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