you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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