the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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