Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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