Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Randomize
