I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
