She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
