so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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