I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie