i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life