just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?